I have recently connected with my great cousin (the correct term might be 2nd cousin? but we prefer to use ‘great’ when describing one another).
She is decades older than me and yet, we are in the same place in a lot of ways.
A perfectly timed meeting after full lifetimes for us both without knowing the other existed.
We’ve been sharing stories of our families with one another and through this connection - immense healing and understanding has blossomed for us both.
We’ve immediately cut right to the core of it all - discussing dynamics, trauma, heritage, and all that connect us through blood.
So naturally, when I asked to interview her about when her parents died, she enthusiastically agreed.Through the alchemy of space, breath, voice, and loving awareness… deep wisdom emerged.
When contemplating the messages on death she received as a child, she described an air of silence regarding the topic.
Death was barely acknowledged and children were “protected” from the details as everyone hurried to move on.
At that time, everyone around her carried beliefs of strict faith that relayed a sense of deep guilt and fear regarding death.
If one committed an immortal sin, one went to hell.
End of story.
This made death scary, and funerals awkward - at best.
Most of us wouldn’t have to look far to find these beliefs in our lineages.
Or to find these stories of tightness and closure when someone died.
When our mortality is made to feel like a curse, how could we possibly embrace the medicine in death?
.
These themes carried through in her life until her father ended his own life.
In a situation so dark, a glimmer of wisdom came through.
She told me that even though he ended his own life, his funeral naturally became a celebration of his life - before that was even a common term used.
His countless jazz records were on display at the funeral, and Frank Sinatra was blasting.
Everyone was partying so hard, the funeral home almost kicked them out.
Her dad’s cannoli recipe was handed out at the door as a party favor and the day ended with a big family-style pasta dinner.
The spirit of celebration was present, even in one of the most heartbreaking ways for someone to leave this earth.
I never met my great-uncle, but it gave me so much peace to hear that he was celebrated in that way. Especially after learning of the challenges he had in life.
He was ushered out with the essence of his soul, rather than with fear or shame around the choices he made in life.
.
Her mom died a few decades later, under different circumstances, but still a similar energy emerged.
In her final days, her mother kept speaking of going to a cocktail party, ready to join the rest of the family to smoke cigars and play jazz music - like they all used to.
So, when she did leave her body, the children ate pizza and chatted around her bed as if she was still there, she had always loved to hear her children in conversation.
They played Frank Sinatra and danced around her bed where her dead body lay until she was taken away.
My cousin described even moving her dead mother’s feet as if she was dancing along with them.
There was laughter, music, and celebration.
They sent her off with a party.
.
Listening to my cousin share these stories was such a gift.
I watched realizations happen in real time.
To see my great-cousin honor both of her parents and speak of them in a way that contains so much compassion and love, shows me the medicine of sharing these stories.
She describes her relationship with them now, after they died, as more intimate and enjoyable.
She often says that she feels as if they are just in the other room.
& that talking about them is medicinal.
Hearing these stories gave me the feeling that even in impossible situations, wisdom around death can emerge.
A wisdom that can match the essence of the person who died.
I’d love for you to join us on Sunday for Death Weaving.
We are gathering to share stories of death with one another. We are gathering to explore our own feelings about death and to lean into honoring those who have gone before us.
I am sending you lots of love as we move deeper into the season of darkness.
May you be held and supported.
Lisa Marie xx
Current Offerings:
~1:1 Support for those navigating death, transition, and loss. Here we honor transitions as a gateway, inviting you into a deeper connection to your heart and body. You can read more about that offering here.
Dancing with Death #6
I enjoyed your story, and the idea that one can find celebration in death without the layers of misery that so many experience. Thank you for sharing.