As I continue to traverse this realm of death (which always leads you to birth and then back to death)… I am continuously humbled.
I feel called to show up and support others and yet, I am still very afraid of death.
Most of the time (like all of us) I act like I am not. Even while I want to talk about it with people and really dig in there, death is an exciting topic to me! That is until I consider my own death. Specifically, the death that is the unfantisized version of possibility. Not the death we all hope for of dying at a ripe old age with no pain. But the oh damn moment of…what if I died tomorrow?
When I think of that, I first feel denial…I don’t want to think about that, I mean who wants to think about that?!
Especially when you’re trying so hard to focus on living fully.
But when I really consider the possibility, I feel my whole system tighten and constrict.
And I realize that I am not above this fear. It’s actually hanging out all the time, just below the surface.
My deepest fear is that I will die alone without ever having fulfilled my dreams, my deepest desires, my way of service, or having created my lasting legacy in the world… Ya know, the whole reason why we are here.
And the reality is that some people do die without having done all of that. And that honestly sucks.
Thinking this way is almost too much to bear because then what…? Does that mean we have to live each day as if we were dying?!?! *Cue Tim McGraw*
& when I sit with that, so much comes up: first - I would stop worrying about money, I would text that person and tell them I love them, I would tell that person I am sorry.
I would show up even bigger and trust even deeper.
And I realize all of this sounds soooo cliche and basic and we’ve all heard these motivational speeches and songs before, *again, cue Tim McGraw*
But damn, we really are all afraid to die, huh? At least a little bit. and it’s actually the only thing guaranteed to happen. What kind of sick joke is this?
Realizing that the fear of death is the fear underneath all fears can be helpful. Whenever I peel back my anxiety, it always comes back to feeling like I’ll die. Which is actually hilarious because again… we are all going to die.
So what are we so afraid of?
I name all of this because I think it’s just part of the human experience and I don’t have answers as to why. This survival instinct and fear of death is normal, AND it is also used to control us in many ways. So looking directly at it ourselves can lead to some sense of liberation. Not out of death itself, but out of the subconscious control the fear can have. Even for a moment.
Then we can decide and choose how to act.
Do I want to live like I am dying each day? Not out of fear but out of gratitude for every day that I wake up breathing.
And if the answer is yes, what kind of responsibility does that bring?
Does that mean I have to drop my own bullshit and not let these subconscious fears control me anymore?!?!
Ooof.
I guess so, huh?
So in the name of integrity and walking my talk, I thought I would share these inner workings in real-time. As someone who feels called to support people through death, loss, and transition, I am also someone who hates it too and is afraid of it and resists it.
I am learning to soften a bit, but it’s a practice and it’s hard.
But I am learning and for that, I am thankful.
If you can bring yourself to feel it, let me know what scares you about death.
Sending you all my love,
Lisa Marie xx
August’s offerings:
-1:1 guidance for those moving through death, loss, & transition - available on a sliding scale.
-Free Monthly Women’s Circle at the End of August: date to be announced soon!
Email me at belovedgateway@gmail.com for more details. <3