This concept really anchored into my body when I moved through Covid for the first time in December 2021.
I was in and out of a delirious sleep state as the mantra dropped in:
“I trust my body, I trust my body”
I kept repeating that to myself as I faced very real fears of death.
I was unsure of how that virus was going to express in my body and I was caring for myself mostly alone.
I had the thought… “what if I actually died here alone?”
Just me, myself, and I. No one to rub my back or help me.
A truly sobering thought. One that connected me to the collective experience of those who had died alone.
It brought me to the edge of that fear. & I wouldn’t say I transcended it by any means, but I did allow myself to feel it, edging my way closer to that primal fear I think we all live with subconsciously. That is until the global pandemic brought it to our conscious awareness, even for brief moments until it was too much to bear, and then shoved back down to the subconscious - where it runs our reactions.
I moved in and out of the waves of fear of death and into waves of surrender, where my body would relax as I continued to repeat: “I trust my body, I trust my body.”
Then the next level came.
I was again in a feverish state after days of intensity when I began to feel the fear again.
“…Do I trust my body? …Will I be okay?”
I began to repeat my mantra again. Acting as an anchor to keep me committed to healing.
That mantra is what got me out of bed to make sure I drank water, nourished myself, bathed my body, massaged my lymphatic system, palpitated my lungs, and so on.
An inner fortitude began to emerge — a will to live.
When I was in bed, allowing the waves of fever to wash over me as my body’s incredible mechanisms worked their magic, a distinct and direct voice came in and said:
“Okay good, if you can trust your body with covid, can you trust your body with Crohn’s?”
Now, THIS was a sobering thought. My eyes burst open and I sat up.
You see, I was diagnosed with Crohn’s disease at ten years old. I am no stranger to feeling “sick” and “weak”. I am no stranger to taking care of myself and no stranger to it being really fucking messy and uncomfortable.
I have spent my entire life trying so hard to be healthy and to cure myself and almost override my body and its healing process. Always in a hurry to heal and “feel good”.
This is completely reasonable, because when you live with a chronic autoimmune disease - you just want to be “normal” and feel good.
We all want to feel healthy.
However, I feel this question was calling me into something deeper. A new level of surrender to my body’s intelligence that maybe I have conceptualized but hadn’t really fully felt all the way.
I hadn’t fully let go.
I decided to say yes to that question. Yes. I do trust my body.
And that answer, which came from the depths of my soul, has invited me into even deeper healing, an even deeper opportunity to have reverence for my body, that continues to show up daily.
For a while, I never wanted to even associate with the diagnosis of Crohn’s, I thought if I didn’t talk about it, it wouldn’t be real.
& I have been so blessed to be able to live most of my days without it dominating my life.
I have taken the “alternative” path, the path that gets you blacklisted amongst doctors and hospitals for being “difficult”, the path that requires that will…to LIVE.
Now I feel neutral about that Crohn’s word - it really is just a name to describe a classification of symptoms that western medicine “doesn’t understand” so they can then prescribe you medicine and bill you correctly. This is the age-old story I think we all know well by now.
But regardless of the classification, I now see that being handed that limiting label as a ten-year-old was actually a giant initiation onto my soul’s path.
Rather than receiving a diagnosis, I received an invitation.
A ticket out of the slumber we have all been put under to disassociate from our bodies.
It has been a long and winding road and I am still learning how to inhabit my body fully. But I have to say (controversial opinion ahead): I am grateful for covid, that I got it when I did, that I moved through it with grace and strength, and that I emerged with more wisdom and reverence for my body. What a gift, right?
A few weeks ago I had it for a second time, this time it was more mild. But still a huge invitation.
This time it initiated me deeper into the medicine of slowwwing down. Which in turn, serves the overall message of trusting my body’s timeline.
Our bodies are constantly trying to speak to us. They are desperately wanting us to climb down from our minds and drop into the flesh, the blood, the fat, and the fluids that house us. Our bodies are how we are HERE. And they need our tender loving care - and TRUST.
But I know it’s hard.
I know firsthand how scary it can be to receive a diagnosis and to feel like your life is over, or to be rushed into surgery afraid you may not wake up the same…or wake up at all.
This medicine of trusting my body is so present for me right now. It is a practice moment to moment.
Sometimes I am marveling at my body and the next I still can find myself cursing it.
This is a deep undoing that takes time.
But reclaiming our bodies is absolutely crucial right now.
Trusting them and the innate healing abilities they hold is what is real. We are humans. It is becoming radical to say that but it is actually ancient wisdom that we all have within us but have been put under a spell to forget.
So my question is this:
When receiving a diagnosis, feeling pain, or even catching a common cold, can we instead lean into the energy of initiation?
Or in other words, when our body speaks, what is it inviting us into?
Let me know your thoughts below.
Sending you love,
Lisa Marie xx
August’s offerings:
-1:1 guidance for those moving through death, loss, & transition - available on a sliding scale.
-Free Monthly Women’s Circle at the End of August: date to be announced soon!
Email me at belovedgateway@gmail.com for more details. <3