Hi all,
I am super excited to be doing something different this week. For today’s post, I am bringing on a guest author to talk about disenfranchised grief from events like losing a job. She shares about how these losses can impact us in every area of life and, indeed induce an experience of grief.
I don’t share this often but in 2020 I lost my job and it shifted my career trajectory & sense of home and community. While I can be grateful for everything that took place and how it got me here, I have experienced deep grief over the years as I process and integrate that change.
Hearing Laverne’s story & wisdom reminded me that I am not alone in that.
I hope you enjoy.
Laverne is a Career Coach and Certified Grief Recovery Specialist who is deeply passionate about helping people achieve their personal and professional goals. Her clients call her a
because she believes that everyone has the ability to achieve their wildest dreams. With over 20 years of experience in the entertainment industry and a unique skill set in creativity and leadership, Laverne understands that unaddressed setbacks and grief can erode resilience. Her work specializes in guiding folx to reconnect with their core strengths and aspirations so they can hit their moonshot.Laverne’s Story:
I was officially fired on a Monday in October 2006. Got the call at home after four months of being in limbo about the status of my role. My husband answered the phone and told my then-boss that I was still in bed. It made me so mad that he said that like I was some worthless lazy bozo (although that’s what was going through my head so maybe he was more psychic than observant.)
My heart pounded when I returned the call. I was put through right away. I think my then-boss wanted to get it over as quickly as I did. It sounded like she was reading from a script. I remember saying something like, “Let’s end this on as much of a positive note as possible.” We had worked directly together for four years, and tangentially for several years before that. I loved making her proud with my writer and director lists, typing up our collective notes on scripts, and finding more efficient ways to track our projects and calculate success rates.
I went back to bed for the rest of that day. And if I’m honest, for most of the next year.
The loss I was experiencing, but didn’t know it at the time, is called “disenfranchised grief” — an expression coined by bereavement expert Kenneth Doka in 1989. He describes it as "a loss that's not openly acknowledged, socially mourned or publicly supported.” Losses in the professional realm certainly fall into the category of disenfranchised grief. And so do many other forms of loss. It can include, but is not limited to:
Death of Pets
Divorce
Moving
A change in identity
Disability
Illness
Miscarriage or Abortion
Adoption
As a career coach and grief recovery specialist, I work with people who have experienced loss in their professional lives. It frequently looks like being fired, downsized, or laid off. It also looks like a project not seeing the light of day or not being well received. It can also look like not receiving a coveted promotion or advancing in one’s chosen career path. It really runs the gamut.
Like other types of loss, loss in your professional life can be acute because it’s about attachment to a person, place, or thing. If there’s no attachment then there’s no sense of loss.
This is why some people experience loss and others don’t in the same exact situation.
For example, when I was a little kid I loved to play with our next-door neighbor’s German Shepherd Schultzie. He was so smart and listened to all of my commands. He would bark at strangers but also nuzzled me with love. When he died, my neighbors and I were devastated. My parents were confused about why I was so upset. It’s not like he was my dog. And besides, it was “just a dog” and they could get another one. As much as my folks loved me, they did not offer acknowledgment, support, or validation of my loss.
What may be important to you, may not be important to someone else.
I’ve made it a mission to educate people about disenfranchised grief so that we don’t judge ourselves and others about why or how they are grieving.
I’m especially passionate about supporting people who have experienced loss in the professional realm. Rightly or wrongly, as Westerners, our identities are firmly attached to our jobs and careers. So when there’s a setback, it can impact us in significant ways.
And if we don’t understand that we are grieving, then we are not able to mourn. If we’re not able to mourn, then we are not able to receive validation for our loss which is a critical component to a return to wholeness.
So what might one say to someone who’s just experienced a major professional loss? Well, like other forms of grief, it’s best not to give any type of advice unless specifically asked. It’s also not helpful to offer beliefs such as:
“You’ll get a new job in no time.”
“It’s better that you’re no longer there.”
“They didn’t deserve you.”
“You weren’t really happy there anyway.”
Holding space for someone looks like curiosity, quiet compassion, and asking questions with the person’s permission. I will literally say, “May I ask you a question? It’s okay if you don’t want to respond.”
Here are a few sample questions to help get you going.
What might you miss about the project/ the job / the career?
How did it (the project, the job, the career) get started?
What has it been like for you?
Would it be helpful to share what happened?
What’s on your heart and mind right now?
Being able to be with someone in their pain is one of the greatest gifts that you can offer. Asking questions can be a powerful form of being with someone in their grief. Just be sure to protect a person’s privacy and not repeat what they have told you. I always ask myself, “Is this my information to share?”
Additionally, being with your own pain is also an incredible gift you can give to yourself.
I recognize this is easier said than done because there can be a tremendous amount of shame around loss. And if your loss is not being validated, it deepens the shame. And that may stop you from doing grief work.
Here’s a typical scenario with dis-enfranchised grief:
A loss occurs.
It’s not openly acknowledged, socially validated, or publicly mourned.
Permission to grieve is denied by community, business, or social constructs.
With no permission, there’s no mourning.
If there’s no mourning (aka grief work), one may experience a loss of motivation, cognitive challenges, and negatively impactful coping mechanisms.
This might manifest in feelings of depression, despair, and shame.
It might look like sleeping too much or insomnia. It might look like a loss of appetite or overeating. It might look like hyper-activity or inertia.
Those actions or inactions may result in disorientation, confusion, and unmoored feelings.
If this sounds like you or someone you know, this is what you can do to help:
Acknowledge the grief. Studies have shown that simply naming something can ease anxiety.
Get curious about the grief (give permission to mourn) and ask the questions above.
Seek out sympathetic and compassionate support systems like a grief group, a therapist, or a coach.
Look at your belief systems around grief - what were you told is the “proper” way to grieve? Does the “proper” way to grieve align with your values and your needs?
Find (with support) ways to mourn your loss.
One of the primary questions ways I support clients is by leading them in developing a ritual. Much like a memorial service or funeral when someone dies.
For example, a writer client created a funeral service for an unpublished manuscript. They gave it permission to rest in peace, and they told it what it was like to create it, nurture it, and what it felt like to not have it reach its full potential. They invited a few close friends to the service so that their grief could be witnessed and validated.
Another client created a ritual with candles. For seven nights they lit a candle and read a story about their experiences in a job that they lost. Some of the stories were joyful and some were traumatic. The stories gave my client permission to acknowledge both how much they loved their job and how angry they were with the company for not allowing them to do what they love.
The bottom line is that there is no one right way to grieve.
Remember:
Typically grief is a non-linear experience. There are days you may feel fine, and other days you’re on the floor. It does not mean there’s something wrong with you. It simply means that you’re orienting to the loss.
Studies have shown that having grief witnessed and validated can support people to find helpful meaning after loss and regain a sense of control. Oftentimes, people feel helpless, hopeless, or powerless in the face of grief. Your ability to hold space for yourself or others during grief is the ultimate act of love and kindness.
Research has also shown that most people have “conflicting” feelings while mourning which causes confusion and shame. It’s normal to feel relief, resentment, joy, sadness, or any other contradictory combination. There is no one right way to grieve.
Thanks to Lisa for the opportunity to be here with you all. If you’d like to continue the conversation, head on over to
and subscribe. I publish stories, tools, and strategies to help overcome career setbacks so you may thrive.I hope this was supportive & validating. I know it helped me remember that grieving the loss of a job, community, and identity is perfectly normal and sacred.
Let me know how this helps you.
Talk soon.
Lisa Marie xx
Supportive Services:
I’m so sorry to hear the you had a dis-enfranchised experience. I empathize with having your integrity and dignity injured. I’m glad you were able to get support from Lisa. Thank you for commenting. Sending much love.
Many, many thanks to to Laverne for her wise words and to Lisa Marie for having the insight to invite her. No doubt this post will be of value to any who read it. I'll be sharing.
I suffered several years of the following:
"a loss that's not openly acknowledged, socially mourned or publicly supported.”
The incident was a deep injury to both my integrity and dignity. I was not even supported by family. It was Lisa Marie who "held space" for me, thus helping me to heal.
Forever grateful...