Solo travel as a young woman
Fortifying my inner compass
More time outdoors than in
Rivaling summers as a little girl.
Sun soaked into skin
Alchemized into nutrients for the soul
The summer I rewild myself and never go back.
Unleashing my true nature
Like a genie that can’t be put back in the bottle
Discovering soul-deep memory of being
Naked in the wild, dirt under my feet.
Remembering how to read the inner compass.
I wrote this poem almost exactly one year ago in the midst of a month of traveling solo on the West Coast of the United States. I had been journeying around the West, camping, and staying with friends, which was amazing. I had friends meet up and join me on different legs of the road trip journey and made memories that I will cherish forever and strengthened those bonds of sisterhood.
But it was that one month alone…that changed my life.
While facing my fears of “traveling alone as a woman” I began writing again. Poems like the one above just flowed through me, after years of telling myself I wasn’t "good at it”.
I was connecting to nature, my body, and my cycles in a way I always yearned for.
I tasted this sense of freedom, of liberation, and I knew more was waiting for me. I had barely scratched the surface but I was starving for more.
It was like this ravenous sensation awakened within me and I had to follow it. So much so, that I rearranged every single thing in my life, & let go of so much, to allow the space for the journey I am on now, to unfold.
The call to connect to my ancestors, my body, and to the feminine wisdom within became the driving force behind everything.
It has led me this entire time to now sit here in the midst of this solo journey abroad for over four months now. It is the longest I have ever been out of the U.S. and I feel I am in this liminal space. A point in the journey where a few doubts are creeping in, tempting me to abandon the quest. One foot is still trying to find its footing on the old foundation, but that force is plunging me forward.
And that force feels like:
You can’t go back. Change is here.
Along my journey, I have had quite a few people ask me if I get lonely. And honestly… most of the time… no.
Now, I will preface all of this by saying that I have always been a person who looooves her alone time. So I guess I have been preparing for this my entire life. I also have a lot of supportive relationships and amazing communities I am involved in that keep me feeling connected. I also am blessed to work with people remote and offer my service in the world. Andddd lastly, I have been extremely lucky in meeting the most amazing people along the way.
But I will say loneliness has come to visit these last few weeks. I have been the most alone with myself and have started to feel those sensations bubble up. I texted my sister telling her I was embarrassed for feeling “homesick”. (quickly stating that really I just want to come over for dinner and be able to go back to my journeys… does that qualify as homesickness?)
To that, she quickly responded by reminding me I could just come home for a bit to ya know, reset… maybe… please? She teased with a hint of truth.
Which I know comes from love. & how lucky am I to have a sister who misses me and supports me?
But.
I can’t…. I won’t.
I am choosing to stay committed to this journey, regardless of what it brings up.
I can face it and I will.
I am no longer in the business of trying to squelch uncomfortable emotions. I am rather in the practice of attempting to notice them… without judgment (that one is reeeealllly hard) feel them, and look for the medicine.
I say all of this and maybe sound like it’s easy but it hasn’t been. I am also the same person who just last weekend had moments curled up in a ball crying and feeling absolutely insane for doing this. Crying out for answers like:WHAT DO I DOOOOO?!
& It all sounds a bit dramatic and, well… it is! Trying to know oneself and lean into courage in a world that tells you to stay small, can be quite the dramatic process.
But it can be fun too and I allow myself to laugh at the cosmic joke of it all. The incredibly simple yet overly complicated & messy journey of being human.
When in the throws of fear and doubt, I received a gift and letter from a friend in the mail. She is a long-lost sister who I have found on this journey (I have had a few experiences like that - connecting with people I was destined to meet and who have changed my life - reminding me I am never alone.)
This poem arrived at the exact moment I needed it and it reads:
Don’t surrender your loneliness too quickly
Let it roast you, and ferment you.
As very few ingredients in this world can do.
Something missing in my heart tonight
Has made my eyes so soft, my voice so tender
My need of God so absolutely clear. - Hafiz
Everything right on time.
What I want to share is this:
I am finding there is deep medicine in the feeling of loneliness. There is medicine in homesickness - even if it’s just as simple as gratitude for the people you love. There is medicine in the deep surrender of not knowing what comes next.
There is medicine in all of it.
I think people avoid being alone and avoid letting go of control because they want to avoid these feelings. (I know I was) Because the truth is underneath it all, and once we know the truth, we are responsible for it. Even if it means changing our entire lives.
And even on this big grandiose, adventurous journey, I found myself resisting those very natural human emotions. So I decided to soften into them and they have actually brought me clarity around, what I really want.
And knowing what you want, is a big responsibility.
So my offering to you is to allow yourself some time alone. Even if it is just for a few hours a week. Even if you have to rearrange things, ask for help, etc. Even if you don’t know what you will do. Even if you hate it.
Make time for it. Prioritize it. {Especially women}.
Take that walk alone, go a different route.
Book that overnight or weekend trip alone.
Leave space for no plan & allow your inner compass to take over.
Feel frustrated, bored, and alone. Let it all just be.
Knowing ourselves and becoming intimate with our inner landscape, is the most important gift we can give to the world and those around us.
Let me know how you plan to spend time with yourself.
sending you all my love.
Lisa Marie xx
August’s offerings:
-1:1 guidance for those moving through death, loss, & transition - available on a sliding scale.
-Free Monthly Women’s Circle at the End of August: date to be announced soon!
Email me at belovedgateway@gmail.com for more details. <3
Allow for time alone.
Yes.
So many blessings come from loneliness. You are doing keep soul work.
Thank you for your honesty.
Amen! I love watching you discover via this blog.
Like you, I've always cherished my alone time. Now, as a single retiree, I get to live it. It's been an interesting life being an awkward introvert who had truly loved and worked to serve people.
After being shown my lack of value from family, friends and community, living alone is absolute treasure.
Onward!