For the past three months, I’ve been traveling around Italy to explore my roots. Connecting to my lineage and opening my heart wide. It’s my second time in Italy but this time has felt like a deep return.
A return to my body, to the truth of who I am, and to the wisdom of my bloodline.
Right before I came to Italy for the first time, exactly nine years ago, I was sexually assaulted.
It happened three weeks before I left.
I had everything prepared for my study abroad experience and I was so excited and then… I went into shock.
In what felt like an instant, I had experienced the horror of having your body taken from you.
This wasn’t the first time I had experienced that type of violation, but this time felt like the final nail in the coffin.
I told myself to just shove it down and move forward. I had worked so hard for the opportunity to go to a place I had always dreamed of visiting and I was not going to let that get in the way.
I still sometimes joke with people about how I was drunk the entire time I was in Italy and how as American college students we were just being young and dumb… and that is partially true.
But for me, it was more than that. Inside I was numb.
One of my teachers says that numbness is actually fullness. Being so full to the point that we can’t process or feel.
For me, the fullness, which led to numbness, was my own lifetime of trauma and generations of trauma having been passed down… all catching up to me in that event.
The pain that already existed within had been bubbling up prior to this experience and many things were calling out for my help.
I had already been in a really low place. I was struggling to feel connected to my body or care about my school work. I was partying a lot and generally had a deep feeling of dread toward life.
During that time of deep lows, I randomly (or divinely) received the vision to study abroad in Italy. That goal became the only thing that motivated me to move forward. It pulled me out of the depressive place I was already in, and I began to see a glimmer of hope.
But once I decided I would go, I went through a series of challenging experiences, all culminating in that trauma with a big T, weeks before I left.
When I finally arrived in Italy for the first time, I carried all the typical feelings of shame, packed in my body and suitcase, that a person has when they experience sexual violation. Thinking it was my fault, that something was wrong with me, that I was inherently dirty. “If only I hadn’t worn that shirt that showed off my breasts. If only I had been more aware of my surroundings. If only I hadn’t trusted the people I was with.”
Intense self-loathing and shame, making me want to crawl out of my skin, is what ran through my system at all times.
I was drinking heavily - playing out a learned behavior for coping with trauma from society and within my own family system. Dangerously close to continuing the generational pattern.
And at the same time, I came to Italy and fell in love with my surroundings. It is so incredibly beautiful, vibrant, and romantic.
I tried my best to connect to the beauty in the midst of the deep pain, but needless to say, I never fully felt in my body.
But the land began to crack me open and in one specific moment, a flicker of light came through. I had gone to the sea and instead of drinking and partying with the other students, I got in the water and just floated for hours.
I felt so held by the water. I didn't want to leave. I was pruny and salty and hungry but I couldn’t get out of the water.
I felt the water act as a healing balm to the sharp edges of shame.
I looked around and felt myself finally connect to my body and my surroundings. The moment was fleeting but I was there. Fully there.
& in that moment, I told myself I’d be back one day.
I felt a draw to this land. It was so innate. I knew my ancestors were from Sicily but at that time, I didn’t know anything about them. I just felt held.
When I returned home, I got myself into trauma therapy and a deep healing journey began to unfold.
I had been broken open. And it was beautiful.
The dream of returning to Italy sat on the shelf for about 8 years until it dropped in again. After years of healing and years of beginning to learn about my lineage… it was time to return.
And now I have spent three months in Italy. Having that same feeling again… that I’ll be back, that it’s just the beginning.
It’s no coincidence that this time I also experienced many trials by fire before arriving… before making it back to the motherland. Events acting as gateways. All leading me back.
These 9 years have been a long spiraling road but I have now arrived at a place where I can view that event with reverence. I can look back on my 19-year-old self and hold her with so much compassion.
I can see how that was one of many gateways, leading me back to my body and my heart. My truth.
I can now hold men who perpetrate that type of violence with compassion in my heart. I can see the pain and distortions that play into those actions. And how those distortions range from cat-calling to sexual assault to power-hungry politicians stripping away human rights.
It’s all the same distorted energy we’ve been living under for thousands of years.
It’s steeped into every facet of our lives, including the cells of our bodies.
I see now how the “healing path” I’ve been on is really about excavating those distortions from my own body, thoughts, and relationships, and churning them back into medicine.
Digging into the mud to free what’s stuck… what is holding back my innate power.
& viewing it this way doesn’t mean I excuse those actions or that I welcome unsafe people into my life. I have fierce boundaries and protections that have taken me years to anchor into. And I’m constantly refining and upgrading them.
But I also see and feel how men have been severely damaged by this distorted system and how it plays out on every level. How that distorted energy functions to make men violators and women victims.
I see how the people doing the violating and imprisoning, are not free. I also see how identifying as a victim, doesn’t feel free.
& When I see this, it actually empowers me and makes me less afraid. I can take the experience of being sexually assaulted or having my rights taken, and alchemize it into medicine. Into action. Into solutions.
That is my power. And that is what I am in service to.
AND I still hold myself and grieve. AND I still feel sacred rage in my womb around these violations.
It’s a yes/and. Always.
At this time, as we face this collective violation to our bodies, I wanted to share this story of alchemy that has taken place in my own womb.
I can feel how all of this is triggering many of us to revisit our own stories of violation. As I held space for women this past week, I was reminded that the wounds are so deep. They are generational, they are ancestral. They are past and present.
But I feel an energy building amongst us all, that is no longer victimized but empowered.
And for me it has come through connecting to my lineage, keeping my heart open, leaning into community, and learning to listen to my womb.
I feel myself coming into my power, ready for this time. Ready and willing to rise and create the world we all deserve. Stumbling along the way, still feeling unsure and afraid… but devoted.
Knowing I can create medicinal power from the most distorted and painful energies and experiences. Medicinal power that brings nourishment and regeneration.
And I believe we all deserve and NEED the support to allow for that transition to happen.
Collectively, we are in it. We are in deep pain and transition. No one is moving through this unscathed.
My prayer is for us all to keep our hearts open. To reach out for help when we need it. To move through this time well-resourced. And to see this all as an opportunity to claim our personal and collective power.
Sending you love,
Lisa Marie 🌹
If you have a story you need witnessed, I am here to support you ❤️. you have the power to create medicine from your shit.✨
email me at belovedgateway@gmail.com.
You are a brave and inspiring woman, Lisa.